How to Instill Proper Values, Morals & Confidence

1. Playdate host informs you your son has responded to calls to clean up playroom with, "What the fuck?" Make sure your son is properly rewarded for cursing in context.


2. Take argued-over toys and hurl them out the window. When child says that's littering, threaten to recycle his toes.


3. At random and unannounced intervals, swat child with a fly-swatter and then apologize for mistaking him for a bug.


4. Loudly, and in public, explain the details of how he was conceived.


5. At school drop-off, inform child he must eat all of his lunch or risk being left at school overnight.


6. Send child into pharmacy with Monopoly money with instructions to ask for Super Large Extra Absorbent Tampons because Mommy's bleeding to death.


7. At the supermarket, answer every request for junk food with, "In your fucking dreams."


8. Answer every Why? with Why the Hell Not?


9. Tell child his whining is why you drink.


10. Begin every morning with, "You're still here?"