Brilliant insight? Maybe not.
But it was the weekend's epiphany, so I'm sharing it here.
When I say tools, I don't just mean the anemic drawer of household necessities that help me put up pictures on the walls, or unscrew battery compartments on annoying toys, although having a good hammer and screwdriver are part of the arsenal I deem Proper Tools.
What I realized is that there are eleventeen other things, otherwise known as Proper Tools, that I employ in order to get through my day.
Merriam Webster's online dictionary gives the following definitions of "tool:" 1. a handheld device that aids in accomplishing a task; 2. something (as an instrument or apparatus) used in performing an operation or necessary in the practice of a vocation or profession; 3. a means to an end.
So here I am, a practicing mother of two boys, devoted to my professions of, in no particular order: sanitation engineer, chef, butler, chauffeur, mother hen, psychologist, writer, vice headmistress of the RAD school, freelance bookkeeper, housekeeper, medic, tailor, costume seamstress, teacher, and disciplinarian. My means to the end of staying sane and rational while raising Luca and Dash on my own?
Proper Tools.
Let's take a more in-depth look at some of these.
Not Ray's Pizza, corner of South Portland and Fulton - good in a pinch when another evening of peanut butter sandwiches, hummus, and crackers just seems cruel. Also works in conjunction with Stern Words and Bribes (see below) to calm the masses.
Stern Words - "Watch your tone with me;" "I'm sorry, I don't understand Whining;" "Please don't make me ask again, because I will freak out;" "I'm sorry, did you want to watch television later?" "Make a better choice."
Bribes - Hot Wheels, money, cookies, an extra book at bedtime, five more minutes on the computer, ten more minutes in the bath, playdates. Any of these can be used, sometimes together, and often several in a day, in order to maintain an acceptable level of reason and patience on my part.
iPhone - used on a daily basis, in a variety of capacities - distraction (games); moral support (phone calls to friends); alarm clock (on the one day a week I have to get up earlier than Dash normally does); timer for time-outs; lifeline to those who would otherwise not hear from me until both boys are in college, jail, or married.
Zoloft - two a day, per shrink's orders; non-negotiable; goes well with Wine (more to follow).
Tweezers, q-tips, nail clippers, washcloth & soap - keeps 'em clean, dirt- and splinter-free; must sometimes be used with Brute Force (definition below).
Brute Force - often employed when doing the necessary, but irritating (to them) and disgusting (for me) work of making sure Luca and Dash are presentable to the world at large. Can manifest as holding down flailing hands while large, breath-impairing boogers are being extracted; tilting heads back to ensure teeth are brushed properly, medicine gets ingested, and any visible and offending wax is removed from ears; wrapping arms around waists in order to encourage forward movement on any given surface - sidewalks, floors, etc.
Wine - particularly useful when the children are running amok, and/or being screaming hellions. Good tool for prevention of child abuse.
Television - if I need to explain this tool to you, I'm afraid I can't be friends with you. Because having to explain likely means you don't use this tool, and frankly, I don't have it in me to like someone who eschews television.
Playdates - withheld as punishment; employed as a means to freeing up an afternoon, or alternatively, freeing up a friend's afternoon, who will then owe a reciprocal playdate.
These are the most important, and most crucial implements in my Proper Tools box. Feel free to mention some of your own.
Just don't rag on mine. Cuz I'll have to use some Stern Words on you.
No comments:
Post a Comment